Australia Day - huh ?

Yesterday was Australia Day, a day of celebration for some, a day or mourning for others. Still it surprised me when I was told that there were a few Aussies out there that don't actually understand why we celebrate on the 26th of January each year. Let me first tell you what Australia day isn't

1) Australia Day is not the day that Australia II won the America's Cup
2) Australia Day is not the day that Australia qualified for the World Cup, the first time
3) Australia Day is not the day that Vegemite was discovered - a vile spread that most
of us would end up enjoying anyway !

Now, there are some arguments that I will allow, just because it shows a little bit of thought and insight - although still, these thoughts are also incorrect

a) It is not the day that Captain Cook happened upon the East Coast of Australia
b) It is not the day of Australian Federation, although it did happen in the same month.

So, what we're left with is this - 'Australia Day is the anniversary of British Settlement in Australia' . That's it, there's not much more to it than that. So for all the dumb ass arguments around town that make reference to Australian Federation and how Australia Day is somehow supposed to represent that ....NO. Although, the one thing that I do find disturbing is that our Constitution makes reference to 'states', which prior to Federation were colonies - within that group , New Zealand was distinctly mentioned. Now, wouldn't that have been a blast ! Having the Kiwi's as full blown Aussies would have added a hell of a lot to the Australian way of life. We would have been world champs at not just cricket but also rugby ! We would have had an awesome war cry every time we went into a sporting battle. Imagine Australians of Italian, Chinese or Greek descent trying to get their head around doing the hakka ! We would have won the America's Cup twice. We would have been a lot closer to having a female Prime Minister and probably would have also been known as the land of the long dust cloud. Ah, if only. Anyway, the poor Kiwi's banished themselves to their own two islands and made the decision to become more familiar with sheep than humans, although with that said, Tasmania is a good enough reason to let the Kiwi's off for that type of thinking. Still, for all the good things that the Kiwi's could have brought us I'm also thankful that they're over there and we're here, imagine getting pissed and instead of singing Khe Sahn, getting into a boisterous rendition of Slice of Heaven or being overly sentimental about a bird that doesn't fly .....???? (ahhh, scratch that last thought).

Don't worry about Australia day bro', it's still choice eh !

Tashkent Update

Well it seems as though someone is awake in Tashkent, I received a response from Ksenia Arfaui who works for a tour operator in town - the response is as received; no special effects added !


Dear Mr. Henry,
Thank you very much for your time and interest in services of OrexCA.com.

Following to your request:
Hi there,
I'm a guy from Australia and I was just wanting to know, What's up in Tashkent today?
Thanks,
Henry

'In Tashkent everything is quite and OK and you can find any info about
Uzbekistan and its tourism potential on our web-portal www.OrexCA.com .
Should you require any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact us any time.
Sincerely yours '


Ksenia Arfaui
Tour Operator
OrexCA.com
----------------------------
29/35, Niyezbek Yuli Str.,
700000, Tashkent, Uzbekistan
tel.: (+998 71) 137 04 81
fax: (+998 71) 137 45 48
mob: (+998 93) 181 35 68
ICQ UIN: 339602271
e-mail: info@orexCA.com
http:// www.orexCA.com
----------------------------

***************************************
Everything ia quiet and OK !? Thanks Ksenia, that's TOPS ! Hope Tashkent doesn't blow your mind too much !

Male Bathroom Etiquette

This topic is one that I'm revisiting after a few years, partly because I've seen that my initial call to the OzEmail contingent (male component) was unceremoniously dumped a week or two after the rant launch date. Also, I've noticed there's been a few websites spring up in the last few years who's commentary match exactly the thoughts I exposed on that fateful late September day in '98. So, as relevant as it was then, here we have it one more time, almost 10 years later.

Now there's a few unwritten rules about conduct once you swing through the door with the two dimensional man on the front. Many guys have obviously read the manual and take the rules seriously, others, well they either flagrantly disobey them or they're just plain dumb. So here and now, lets do it, lets discuss acceptable urnination policy - ewwww, yes I know, I said it, urnination !! Would you have the same reaction if you read 'urine' in the dictionary ? Deal with it!




Let's start off with my pet hate 'Talking whilst at the urinals'. Now it seems that time has still not changed the idea that some guys believe it's ok to strike up a conversation as you're standing there, doing what needs to be done. This I've never been able to fathom ! If I'm standing with my 'Jack Johnson' out and if the other guy has his out then I'm not wanting to start any sort of conversation. I can't imagine any other time when I'd be standing around with some other dude, our penises on display, and me thinking that everything was ok with the world - it just wouldn't happen. There's an invisible barrier around all urinals that should stop sound and yet some dingbats think it's ok to shoot the breeze when they're letting it all hang out. My answer to you - seek help !!! The only time talking should be accepted is when passing someone going in or out of the bathroom and in those instances all thats involved may just be a slight nod and a grunt or perhaps, at a stretch a 'Hey' or a 'hi'. Courtesy is shown in terms of acknowledgment but there's a whole world outside those doors where a conversation should be had !!!

Now, lets talking about Where one should look when standing at the urinals. I've noticed lately that there are some real Ray Charles types around, their heads swaying to the sound of one hand clapping. Again, that's very, very uncool ! Why would you want to do that ? I mean what happens if you get a glimpse of your urinal companion ? (I'm assuming here that most of us would not want to do that). Are they perhaps checking things out to see how you're travelling, to see if they've finished before their urinal comrade ? The last time I checked there was no prize for first place. With me, it's simple, look straight ahead, no sideways glances and get it done in the shortest time possible. I try to focus on many things whilst I'm in my 30 second moment of relief but an hombre standing next to me should never enter my mind and thus to them I say, 'I should never enter your thoughts either'.

An endemic problem is also the 'Walk away zip up' ......this one really irks me. When your run is over, the job is completed when you zip yourself up, this should be whilst standing at the urinals. To put it another way, how many times would you see a person walk out of the stalls with their pants around their ankles and then pull them up whilst at the basin ??? NONE !!! This is exactly the same, you zip up at the urinal and don't take the 'open view' all the way to the sink ! The potential for disaster there is twofold, for both the owner and of course the passer by , but, as always, the solution is easy !

Now we hit the ever relevant, New Arrivals Syndrome. This can appear to be a philosophical question at times, but really, in the end it's common sense. If you're interested in the intricacies then check out this link http://www.jokes2000.com/jokes/files/joke9669.htm. It shows many a common scenario for the new arrival at a urinal. I recommend taking time to review options and really think about how you may be perceived if you get the positioning wrong. The tips I offer here are 1) Distance - it is paramount, more distance is better and less is accepted only at the behest of someone else's personal comfort 2) Coupling - never, ever position yourself next to another guy, even if it's the only option available. What you do in these instances is wait. That means you take the positioning opportunity as presented only if it stops side by side urinal positioning. If you are 'that desperate' to go and you 'consider the side by side option' then all I can say is DON'T , you should have thought of going sooner !!

Well, there we have it. Some angles on male bathroom etiquette, please spread the word for the sake of all sane men !

What's up in Tashkent ?

Today is going to be a little different from me, no treating C-grade celebrities with contempt or ruminating over the powers of stimulation that caffeine offers, today is all about What's up in Tashkent ! Now, aside from the standard facts that I'll be pulling from everyone's favourite search engine, I'll also be indiscriminantly contacting the lovely people of this Uzbeki city by phone and e-mail to ask them my question for the day - What's up in Tashkent !?. As you may have now also hypothesized, this blog update will probably run for the full day depending upon our responsive our Uzbeki cousins are. So stay tuned for all the exciting gossip and crazy shinnanigans of a town built upon a Silk Road intersections.

Just before we start to hit these fine citizens for their commentary and perceptions of what the day may hold, here's a few bits of information that guide us on our journey of discovery.

The local time in Tashkent is 2:02:12 AM, Tuesday the 24th of January.

It's also surrounded by a few groovy 'stan' countries who's name I will never remember to spell accurately for as long as I live.



At 3pm yesterday the temperature in the capital hit a high of 1 degree celsius - which I believe isn't too bad for Central Asia in the dead of Winter.

Population of Tashkent - approx 2.1 million

So now we hit the streets. My goal is to get the vibe of the town and see what interesting insights these crazy Uzbeki's can provide me on a non-descript day. I'm going to kick things off with an e-mail to my main man Sardor who's a student at a technical uni in the town.

Here's a copy of the brief e-mail I've sent,

From: Henry Elisher Sent: Tuesday, 24 January 2006 8:25 a.m.To: 'sardor100@yandex.ru'Subject: What's up in Tashkent ?


Hi Sardor,

I'm a guy from Australia and I was just wanting to know, What's up in Tashkent ?

Thanks,
Henry

Now, I think Sardor might be asleep unless he's pulling a few critic

****Soft Uzbekistan, very very soft. Approximately 24 hours after sending e-mails to many, I assume, contactable people (why otherwise would their e-mails be available), I've received nothing. Not even an Uzbeki version of "What the ?". I mean I contacted 0.00001 of Tashkent, that's a fair hit rate from my little Sydney outpost but for what ? For noise on the line ? Now, I can understand that English may be a problem but I don't care, not even Sardor stepped up for the challenge. I think at this stage I'll give them a few more days to perhaps digest the question, maybe even ask for assistance but if nothing is forthcoming then unfortunately I'm ditching all of Uzbekistan from future contact !! Yeah, take that !!al hours for exams. I will be back however with a few more e-mails and direct contacts.

Frankie Muniz must pay !!!!

Originally I was going to put a call out and ask that the 23rd of January become Bash Frankie Muniz day but then I realised that would simply be too easy on him. So, I'm asking all people, that have ever seen his chipmunk face on TV, have ever wondered what Webster would have looked like if he was white and a foot taller, to embrace this day - Torment Frankie Muniz Day.

Now before people start thinking, awww, he's just a kid - NAH !!!! D.O.B 05-DEC-85 !! That's right, the irritating little sod hits his 21st birthday later this year so that means that going to town on him is the only fair thing that humanity can do in compensation for having to hear his squeaky voice or needing to see that little cutsie squashed, pug dog like face. To make matters even worse, the dude changed his name to Frankie Muniz, from.......wait for it, (Francisco Muniz IV).....I was about to say that perhaps his parents should be tormented also but now I figure that they're just too cool and got into the torment of their offspring years before we decided to do it, to them I offer my congratulations.
Dumbass Frankie Giving Us a - That's Tops.
What a Tool !!


This is what I'm asking of people, it's pretty simple,
all we need is a barrage of harrassment for one day. If you're in your car and you see pip squeak Muniz rock up next to you in his car, flip him off. If he gives you that Malcolm in the Middle type of "Huh" look then get on yoour horn, point at his tyres, whatever. If Frankie rocks up at the fast food drive through, refuse to serve him. If you pass him on the street, call him a tool directly to his face ...... it's just got to sink in with this little elf that the only gig he should be getting is at his local mall during Christmas sitting on Santas lap !

Now considering that Mr 'Frankie goes to Hollywood' Muniz now lives on the island of Manhattan, there's a bunch of willing people surrounding him that can make his life a living hell on the 23rd of January each year. He simply needs to be reminded that he's got no business being beamed into our lives via the box nor do we need to see him in 'elongated form' at the cinema.

Frankie giving his 'Whatchu Talking About Willis' look.
His audition to play Arnold in the 2004 version of
Different Strokes failed after the producers realised
he was a DUMBASS !!!

So, I think at this juncture we should offer 5 alternative jobs for Muniz because we all know that his ability as an actor is about equivalent to George Bush's skills as a diplomat.

1. Department store mannequin , obviously for children's wear.
2. Bar owner with other child drop-kick 'star' Macaulay Culkin
3. Host of Teen Tool Idol where the only contestant is him, on a closed network so that nobody sees him.
4. A jockey
5. A penquin - ok, that's not realistic and it doesn't pay anything but anytime he wears a suit I can only think of him as being on overgrown penguin that should be belted with a baseball bat !!

So, that's it - please report any Frankie Muniz sightings to me and also how you managed to make to torment him during the day. It'll make me sleep easy at night.

Blue Invasion Project - (codename c.r.a.p)

It's January, summertime in Sydney and that usually means some sun, late afternoon storms, humidity, cricket, afternoons drinking and the festival of Sydney. For the last few years I've always promised that I'd get out during the mid January offerings and check out what the festival had to offer. So it was with some excitement and some media support that Adrian and I stepped out on a particularly balmy evening in order to catch this 'challenge to our senses'.....that and the fact that it was a freebie helped.

Quoting directly from the SMH article;

'Oursler's night-time projection, Blue Invasion, turns Hyde Park into the site of an extraterrestrial incursion'

'Blue Invasion draws on a fear that has racked humans since we
first dreaded an attack from the skies. But invasion could come in many guises',
Oursler says

For Sydney Festival director Fergus Linehan, Blue Invasion is about "the media and their pervasive control of our minds".

Really, Absolute CRAP

Am Image Projected onto a tree...CRAP

My opinion of Blue Invasion is that the metaphor and the symbolism for the garbage that they came up with is fair but these guys are meant to be visual artists. This project was 2 years in the planning and one of the main attractions of the Festival of Sydney. It reminded me of a particularly bad Yr 12 High School project. To use a line from Sex and the City, this was some 'Harvest, harvest bullshit'. A couple of trees lit up in colour with additional, spooky audio, some OK projections into a fountain, cubes with pulsating red lights placed here and there and some non-sensical drivel to accompany the useless projections.

The highlight of the Crapfest was a string of Christmas type lights hung out from a pole. The only amusement from that was the fact that it was bright. If this was intended to make us think about our fears and consider what we are being challenged by, ie; the ultra power of the conservatives, the bullshit that our media feeds us and perpetuates, the reappearance of racism - then all I can say is that, it was CRAP .

It looks nothing like this !

I guess the best analogy I can draw is that of the Royal

Easter Show. If you remember, as a kid, it was always exciting, new showbags, rides, fairy floss, ferris wheels etc. Now, for some reason, that same excitement remains with you for the rest of your life and year afer year you go, right into adulthood....although in adulthood you forget every year that the show is a waste of time and it too is CRAP. That's how this Invasion on my senses felt, like a huge rip off (..and I didn't even pay anything to see it). It was cheap and nasty, just like the kebabs outside of Scruphy Murphy's, great when you don't have your faculties about you but when you're our for a culinary experience, or in this case something moderately cultural then the reality failed to match the promise by the length of the straight.

Alas, Adrian and I headed down to the Quay after that in order to grab a gelato. The real highlight came from me virtually driving onto Wharf 2. Actually correction, the highlight was us watching four police walk by the car and me thinking that i'd be swearing about a $100 parking fine within the next few minutes. Anyway, that was my Sydney Festival experience, I might actually step up and try out the In a Blacktown Backyard offering for $38.50. Apparently the deal here is that you get picked up from Parramatta, show the sites of the Blacktown burbs and then rock into someone's backyard, presumably in Shalvey, for a theatrical peformance .....can't wait for that one !!

iCon - for the new Millenium

Alright, I'm going to have to do this early on in order to get if off my chest, so here goes ....guess the icon, guess the icon;

Though communism may have lost its fire, he
remains the potent symbol of rebellion and the alluring zeal of
revolution

Now you pick, I know it's going to be a little bit tricky. One of them is from the barrios of East Los Angeles, the other from the Paris of Latin America. One of them has a degree of comedic timing, the other made a comedy of Western governments. It's tough....don't let time pass you by...


Well, for all that's credible and hip in the world of modern day revolutionists and poets check out this site CHE LIVES , more pertinently, have a look at the number of great t-shirts you can wear with Che's face emblazoned across the front. Now that's what it's all about, pay your $50 and be a revolutionary, tell the world that you will not be silenced and you'll show them what you stand for because like a good little capitalist, you earned your $18.00 an hour working Saturdays at your local 'hipster' clothing store and now, its STATEMENT time....or that's what your credit card provider says when it hits you with the $50.00 bill at the end of the month.
This leads to several questions and some revealing commentary to be mad on Cheech, or perhaps, should we shorten his name, even to perhaps...Che ? Why you ask ? Again, a great question, thanks for playing. Stay with me now, this line of thought could get a little convoluted.

Che, our Argentinian who sailed across the Caribbean in a leaky boat, (slighly Split Enzish isn't it), was definitely 'The Man' in his day, no doubt, but the question to be asked in 2006 is what's the deal with these young groovsters carrying around his imagine on their shirts, supporting the capitalist way of life ? I've read some commentary stating that Che-G is a beacon of idealism, of rebellion and representation to a youth that are directionless, that have no real identity. Yeah, that's maybe the case but that doesn't mean a hell of a lot. It directly undermines Che-G and what he stood for, thus destroying whatever the groovsters think that their shirts are saying. So now the real question is, these days, is Cheech, or rather the nouveau Che, more of a revolutionary and a hard ass than Che-G. With that I think that the answer is a resounding yes. Cheech is a representative of a still oppressed Latino minority kicking it in the burbs of LA. His pot smoking, foul mouthed take on society is restrained rebellion but still resonates with all people and rings truer than the corporatised Che-G image hitting the streets with groovsters these days. His support of his partner in crime (almost literally), Tommy Chong for the selling of bongs is just another idealistic and rebellious like stance of the new Che. Stickin' it to the establishment. Whilst the noveau Che isn't a Marxist he definitely marks his territory and for that, in the words of David Stratton, " I give Cheech...ahem Che, one star".

The New Revolutionary Icon for the Noughties

I've got my shirt - you should get yours !

DEATH BY CAFFEINE

On a gloomy day let me start with this inspirational little link considering that the only real vice that I have is one that keeps me awake, alive, lucid and functioning. Here's the flipside thought, this will tell you how many cups and cans of whatever it is would take me out, if I at any point chose to take it to the limit ! - http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

So lets run a few examples based on some of my more common caffeine choices

1 - 97.08 cups of Instant Coffee would take me out. At my current rate I'm only filling my death quote by 4% a day. Not particularly promising but I guess if I went at the rate of 10 cups an hour I could take myself out at work during the day . An interesting option to go with and one that would cause a little bit of drama...oooh, can someone say, office rumour mill.

2 - 139.56 cans of Red Bull !! Damn, I thought this would have been a greater help. Considering my best conversion rate in a day is 3 cans, equivalent to only 2% of my death quota, I'd rather look for alternatives, especially something less costly !!

3 - 323.1 cans of Coke-Zero. That's piss-weak ! After drinking with Adrian on the weekend I only cracked 0.006% of my needed kill total. That's just too much work for too little reward !

Top of the Pops

Starbucks Tall Coffee - only 29.77 of these babies for me to go Hammer Time.

So, what's the deal ??? Well the deal is this, I can't see myself ever being taken out by one too many cappucino's, so I might as well put them to good use and leave my footprint here, a caffeinated induced rant or several for all to enjoy.

*******


Rainy afternoon in Sydney, yeah, spot fires being created for the sake of progress. For the sake of production, perhaps even maintenance and justification. I think that's closer to the mark, justifying my position by being able to justify someone elses. Such is the monotony of the daily grind of the 9-5. For those that haven't gathered my slightly meloncholy tone could only possibly mean one thing, today is boring the living shit out of me because it's trivial and in the grand scheme of things, meaningless....and I don't mean the standard conceptual idea of meaningless, as in 'Oh man, we're all microbes in a huge sea of atoms, what we do is meaningless in the grand scheme'. No, I don't subscribe to that drivel, rather this corporatised sphere where many of our lives are constructed, today's action is meaningless because I don't think it'll have too much worth. Still, it allows me to buy some lasagne for dinner and that, well, that ain't bad.
For the sake of reminding myself and also providing some friendly inspiration for the weekend, I read this little report on the SMH yesterday regarding the Doma Bohemian Beer Cafe. Traditional Slovak and Czech cuisine, which is typically meat, sauerkraut, dumplings, beer, some type of gravy/sauce and more meat with your beer - NICE. Not quite soul food but stuff that will drop your voice an octave or so for all comers. That might just make my agenda for the upcoming weekend or the one after. Am I bugging you ? Don't mean to bug you. Rainy afternoon in Sydney, yeah, do you like, have my back ?