Male Bathroom Etiquette

This topic is one that I'm revisiting after a few years, partly because I've seen that my initial call to the OzEmail contingent (male component) was unceremoniously dumped a week or two after the rant launch date. Also, I've noticed there's been a few websites spring up in the last few years who's commentary match exactly the thoughts I exposed on that fateful late September day in '98. So, as relevant as it was then, here we have it one more time, almost 10 years later.

Now there's a few unwritten rules about conduct once you swing through the door with the two dimensional man on the front. Many guys have obviously read the manual and take the rules seriously, others, well they either flagrantly disobey them or they're just plain dumb. So here and now, lets do it, lets discuss acceptable urnination policy - ewwww, yes I know, I said it, urnination !! Would you have the same reaction if you read 'urine' in the dictionary ? Deal with it!




Let's start off with my pet hate 'Talking whilst at the urinals'. Now it seems that time has still not changed the idea that some guys believe it's ok to strike up a conversation as you're standing there, doing what needs to be done. This I've never been able to fathom ! If I'm standing with my 'Jack Johnson' out and if the other guy has his out then I'm not wanting to start any sort of conversation. I can't imagine any other time when I'd be standing around with some other dude, our penises on display, and me thinking that everything was ok with the world - it just wouldn't happen. There's an invisible barrier around all urinals that should stop sound and yet some dingbats think it's ok to shoot the breeze when they're letting it all hang out. My answer to you - seek help !!! The only time talking should be accepted is when passing someone going in or out of the bathroom and in those instances all thats involved may just be a slight nod and a grunt or perhaps, at a stretch a 'Hey' or a 'hi'. Courtesy is shown in terms of acknowledgment but there's a whole world outside those doors where a conversation should be had !!!

Now, lets talking about Where one should look when standing at the urinals. I've noticed lately that there are some real Ray Charles types around, their heads swaying to the sound of one hand clapping. Again, that's very, very uncool ! Why would you want to do that ? I mean what happens if you get a glimpse of your urinal companion ? (I'm assuming here that most of us would not want to do that). Are they perhaps checking things out to see how you're travelling, to see if they've finished before their urinal comrade ? The last time I checked there was no prize for first place. With me, it's simple, look straight ahead, no sideways glances and get it done in the shortest time possible. I try to focus on many things whilst I'm in my 30 second moment of relief but an hombre standing next to me should never enter my mind and thus to them I say, 'I should never enter your thoughts either'.

An endemic problem is also the 'Walk away zip up' ......this one really irks me. When your run is over, the job is completed when you zip yourself up, this should be whilst standing at the urinals. To put it another way, how many times would you see a person walk out of the stalls with their pants around their ankles and then pull them up whilst at the basin ??? NONE !!! This is exactly the same, you zip up at the urinal and don't take the 'open view' all the way to the sink ! The potential for disaster there is twofold, for both the owner and of course the passer by , but, as always, the solution is easy !

Now we hit the ever relevant, New Arrivals Syndrome. This can appear to be a philosophical question at times, but really, in the end it's common sense. If you're interested in the intricacies then check out this link http://www.jokes2000.com/jokes/files/joke9669.htm. It shows many a common scenario for the new arrival at a urinal. I recommend taking time to review options and really think about how you may be perceived if you get the positioning wrong. The tips I offer here are 1) Distance - it is paramount, more distance is better and less is accepted only at the behest of someone else's personal comfort 2) Coupling - never, ever position yourself next to another guy, even if it's the only option available. What you do in these instances is wait. That means you take the positioning opportunity as presented only if it stops side by side urinal positioning. If you are 'that desperate' to go and you 'consider the side by side option' then all I can say is DON'T , you should have thought of going sooner !!

Well, there we have it. Some angles on male bathroom etiquette, please spread the word for the sake of all sane men !