1 in 4 - (part 2)

At the time of writing there was

...to go until kick off !!!

In this amazing two part series I take a look at all the other teams that I didn't consider first time around.

England - As an Australian, I love seeing these guys suffering through torment and heartbreak at each and every World Cup. In '86 it was the 'Hand of God', in '90 it was Gazza and the German panzer squad in a shootout, '98 was Beckhamgate, '02 was Seaman just fluffing a 'cross'. I must admit, even though I tried, my heart just wasn't into hating them last World Wup because, well, they could actually play. In the last 10-15 years 'class' players have been making the journey from the continent to the Premiership, in turn the English long ball game has been lost to the lower divisions (thank God) and now at least their team looks like they're part of the EU.

Prediction: Depending on their group phase escape tactics, a semi final with Holland or Brazil will 'Beckham'....haha, I crack me up. This time around I will be able to empathise with a semi final loss.

Switzerland - OK, it has to be done, which of these things don't belong, Clocks, Chocolate, Mountains & Football !? What do they plan to do ? Take out their army knives and attack goals in MacGyver fashion ? These guys are more suited being linesman and referees aren't they ?

Prediction: A Swiss referee to officiate in the final

Mexico - One of the best goals I've seen scored was by Manuel Negrete against Bulgaria in '86 - that rocked. Indeed, two of the best World Cups, '70 & '86 were held there. These guys might cause a bit of group damage and steal a quarter final place in the true Zapatista style but they'll be back home and 'Gittin jiggy' with their Mariachi bands in the plaza Garibaldi faster than you can say 'Speedy Gonzales'.

Prediction: Any country whose president is named after a Family Ties member deserves a quarter final berth

Iran - From an Australian point of view I can only say this, on a dark November night in '97 you nearly made me cry. We were 2-0 in the play off came and then, 45 mins later, it was 2-2 and all over. For that, I hope you suffer.

Predicition: The US team to search for weapons of mass destruction in the locker rooms - do you think they'll find anything ?

Ghana - Wow, an African giant might just have awoken from its slumber. For all its youth team success this is the first occasion that they've made the World Cup. Potentially bigger giant killers than Cameroon or Senegal. The only problem I have with African football is their discipline. They have skill, flair and athleticism to burn but tactically and strategically can they take on the best of Europe and South America ? Somehow adopting a Yugoslav / Serbian coach seems to me to say, no, but they will be entertainment personified. Tough group, here's hoping that they put seven or so past the 'girls in blue' in their first game. Should they escape the group in second place, then I'll be staying up until all hours to watch Brazil v Ghana !!!

Prediction: Dynamic goals, disarray in defence, a lunatic coach on the sideline - can this be an African side ? Second round exit but they'll be doing it with the crowd on their side...hmmm...and as for defeating their colons, well, sauerkraut can do that ! (sorry, had to say it :)

Spain – Following a team like Spain would be like driving with a blind man, it’s an accident just waiting to happen. For all their domestic league quality, for all their all star line ups, the end result is often pain and suffering. Back in 1990 when I saw Dragan Stojkovic curl a free kick around the Spanish wall and score a miracle goal to get Yugoslavia through to the QF’s, I never truly understood the pain in Spain. There was a QF loss to Belgium in ’86, and extra time loss to Yugoslavia in ’90, a monumental stuff up in the ’94 QF to Italy and another penalty shoot out loss to Korea in ’04. I think it’ll be La Tomatina time again in Madrid in ’06, the Spanish will return with tales of woe this time around also because the Samba boys beckon in their half of the draw if they dare to escape their group in 1st place.

Prediction: If Brazil are ever to fall it’s usually on a hit and run mission. This potential QF could be a hell of a game and with a few of the Brazilian team playing in La Liga the chances of a freak win are not too bad. Still, history suggests a penalty shoot out loss to Brazil.

Paraguay – The Paraguyans are like your crappy 5 yr old cousins that beg you for a kick of the ball and then miss, falling on their ass in their moment of glory. Actually, did I mention Ronaldo looks retarded in photos ? Well, just like him, the Paraguyans are the retarded footballers of South America. Their most famous goal scorer was a goal keeper and if I didn’t know any better I would have assumed these guys were trying out for the Paralympics. Political correctness aside, these guys are b-o-r (ahh, I’m to bored to even spell it).

Prediction: They’ll be in the games you don’t watch.

Sweden - You know, they could just be the dark horses. A QF result at the recent European Championships, a solid midfield and attack, these guys just might be the dancing queens. Coming second in their group could mean a clash with the Oranje the QF in which I think would be an oddly spectacular game. A second spot in the group would see them hit either Portugal / Argentina or Serbia in the QF - don’t be surprised with a Brazil/Sweden showdown.

Prediction: The true dark horses


Equador – If the Paraguyans were the crappy little cousins then these guys are the goat herding outcasts. Famous for Panama hats (would you believe it) – yup….and that’s it.

Prediction: The Earth mother Cotopaxi will be calling you back home – herders should never stray to far from their flock.

Czech Republic - Every 25 years they stick up their heads and pronounce to the world that they can play a bit of football. It’s about that time again. Their draw is as open as Sydney Heads if they top the group. Tough game against France in the QF – if they escape that penalty shoot-out, then the Dutch await in the semi’s

Prediction: Darker horses than the Swedes.

Sigh, I couldn’t be bothered writing about the other teams, I will give them honourable mentions however – Ukraine, South Korea, Ivory Coast , Saudi Arabia, Tunisia and Poland.

1 in 4

Well it's back, the 18th addition of the FIFA World Cup will be hitting our screens from Deutschland in just on a month and it would be remiss of me to not review some of the hotshots that will take to the stage in order to do battle for THE most prized possession in sport.

Australia - The 'Brazil' of Oceania. This team is so good that it wears the same colours as Brazil perhaps in the hope that they can intimidate other teams into thinking that maybe, if they hadn't caught the newsflash, they are indeed Brazil. Even so, that Australian plan was a mighty fine idea right up until the time some dingbat, probably Pele, pulled Australia out of the hat and placed them in the group with Brazil !! Still, I think if Australia adopted Brazilian names like Ronaldhino, Ronaldo, Adriano, Zico etc, then maybe we'd be able to play up to those lofty standards. I'd love to see the Australians hit the pitch with Kewello, Viduko, Cahillo and Bresciano .

My prediction: Australia to win the 2006 World Cup

Serbia & Montenegro - The 'Brazil' of the Balkans. Do you ever notice how the 'Brazil' side of any particular region never gets anywhere ? Is it perhaps because they suck or because their flair only works for 5 mins of a game rather than the 90mins required to get through a game. I almost missed this team as I was looking for Yugoslavia to show up - and they did, although they came with two teams, the other being in group F with Australia (see Croatia). Every World Cup my dad gets this rush of anxiety and believes that Yugoslavia (Serbia) can pull off his childhood dream and with the thing. In recent memory I only remember a depressing penalty shootout against Argentina in a Quarter Final. Like so much else with this country, their football doesn't seem to work. Although, this year things are different. They have a great defence and if they can get out of the group of Death, then maybe, just maybe, they can play Australia in the final.

My prediction: Serbia & Montenegro - Runners Up

Portugal - The 'Brazil' of Western Europe. In World football there are some classic under achievers who always promise but for some reason never deliver. Personally I think the under achiver class has three distinct categories - for example you have the 'Oooh, how did you not win' under achievers (Holland). Then you have the 'You f**ked up again under achievers' (Spain) and then you have the 'Spontaneous combustion' under achievers and this is where the Portuguese stand. For all their skill and flair, the nation's two footballing highlights came in 1966 with a well earned semi-final spot and a devestating loss at home in the 2004 European Championships. Could 2006 be their year ? Probably not.. just like Serbia, 2006 will not be their for too many 'internal' reasons. Actually, just comparing both sides for the moment, if you stack up both the European 'Brazilian' teams you find that Yugoslavia has made the European Championship final twice and a World Cup Semi-Final twice, the Portuguese have one European Championship Final and a World Cup Semi-Final to their name , comparably disappointng- as I've said, readily combustible. Should make for a great
second round contest if they meet.

Prediction :The Portuguese will spontaneously combust in a Semi-Final

Croatia - The noughts and crosses team . I'm biased, they suck.

Prediction: The Croatians stay at home because they're too chicken s**t to get a whipping from the real Brazil

France - "Liberté, egalité, Jules Rimet" (don't blame me for that line, the Germans actually chose it) - FCUK will need to be in action for these guys, and when I refer to the French UK connection, I mean Thierry Henry, I mean Patrick Vierra (although he's no longer there)....and a few others. Les Blues are soft, still suffering from their '98 World Cup hangover and I think this will continue through this World Cup also. Should they win their group then they 've got a soft knockout phase in front of them, exactly what they need. Now, I've got nothing against the French, I like their style of play but they need to show up (see 2002 for what happens when they don't). Anyway, with luck, they can go a distance..maybe.

Prediction : Quarter Finalists, probably getting knocked out in a devestating penalty shoot out.

Germany - What the FCUK has happened to these guys ? Robotic, mechanic, reliable, defensive, good strike power...this year they have none of that. 1990 hero Jurgen Klinsmann has the reigns and I'm sure all he's doing is telling his boys about he hung out with Franz in 1990 and they kicked it together in Rome for a while. Hey, when you play at home you've got to make sure you actually do something worth writing....home about.

Prediction: Crappy second round victory by a single penalty provided by a paid off ref and then slaughter by the Oranje in a revenge attack for a 2-0 knockout in Italy 1990. The Quarter Finals will be an over achievment for these losers....and to think, Germany and I were once so close ...*sigh*

Netherlands - I love watching the '78 final, particularly the last 10 seconds before extra time. Argentina out on their feet, Rensenbrink gets the ball, bang...his shot thuds against the post - whistle blows - extra time (Argentina go on to win). It's the stuff of nightmares, the greatest prize gets swipped by a post !! How many people in Holland did not turn up to work over the next few days ! So, where do they stand this time around ?Well, they've got an open draw and without all my crappy predictions I've made earlier I think that the Oranje can actually win the whole thing ! Still, I'd like to see them miss a penalty to lose the final !

Prediction: These guys will really win the World Cup !

Italy - LOL, what a bunch of prima donna's. The only team I dislike more than Italy are Croatia. They whinge, they're really soft, they gesticulate wildy when someone taps them on the shoulder but in defence they're so close that they try to get into your pants. I'd love them to come second in their group just so Brazil can kick their tail in the second round. Frankly, the World Cup would be better off if these guys didn't show.

Prediction: They'll complain from the first whistle and hopefully they'll go out early enough to stop me from getting too irritated - 2nd round bandits, they can watch the rest of the World Cup on TV

Argentina - In the most recent game these guys played, Croatia beat them 3-2....and you know what I think of Croatia !! Well, Argentina, I won't be crying for you. I mean the wonder years of '78 and '86 are long gone and so too is your class.

Prediction: Three games and your outta there - Group failures, first round exit.

Brazil - What I'd like to do is get the Brazilians believing that they're wearing a slightly altered jersey and BAM, Australia become World Cup hero's. Superlatives aside, I think Ronaldo looks retarded in most photo's.

It's a European World Cup though, no winner in this team....not again....please !

Prediction: Someone to do a hit and run, taking these guys out - please see World Cup '82 (thankyou Italy), World Cup '86 (thankyou France), World Cup 90 (thankyou Argentina). Im tipping Quarter Final suffering.

Togo - Small country, small dreams, small budget, no arrival

Prediction: Travelling overland to the World Cup is tough, cutting through the Sahara is even tougher. If you make it to Morocco give us a call and we'll give you directions.

Costa Rica - This team is known for their ....????? ...and also their ????

Prediction : Wild scenes of jubilation when the Costa Ricans board their flight for Germany

Angola - Isn't Luanda just a cool name for a capital city ? I think it is ! Also, Black & Red give you the feel of an aggressive and somehow maddened football team. Eusebio has gone on record recently saying that Portugal should be mighty wary of the Angolans in their first group game. I think someone is still trying to get over a 3-2 defeat to the USA in '02 (man that sucked). Still, Angola for all their spirit and all their intimidation of Cabinda will be departing Germany on the 22nd of June.

Prediction: Karate chops to the head, knees to the groin - pain will ensue to any team that plays these West African wild boys

Trinidad & Tobago - Sydney superstar Dwight York will guide these Carribbean wonders to the locker rooms. From their it'll be Cool Runnings.

Prediction: There for a good time but not a long time

USA - I stand corrected, there is a team that I hate as much as Croatia. The self professed rulers of God are the biggest wankers in the Universe.

Prediction: They're asked to take off their helmets before the opening game

Japan - Same group as Australia and frankly I'm hoping that they're going to suck. Obviously trying to become the 'Brazil' of Asia by adopting Zico as their coach. As I've stated earlier, any 'Brazilian' teams seem to die a poor and ugly death. Still, I hope they put 10 goals by Croatia.

Prediction - They'll be home with the Rising Sun

My dad's a funny man

A few people have met my dad ,generally they regard him as a genuinely nice, placid, kind type of person and 99.9% of the time he is, so I'm not going to argue that one. Of the small failings that he does have, the one that I gain the most amusement from is his ability to tie his mind in knots over the most trivial circumstances. Some people would say that's because he's a Virgo and needs things to be 'just so' in order for his daily life to function as he expects it to. By expected I mean in accordance to his preconceived idea of exactly how the day will go according to his own mental plan. On an even smaller scale, there are times when his idea of what should be going on around him just doesn't fall into place and that's when his internal operating system just has a freak out. Take for example this morning. Now yesterday, I kindly asked my parents to drop something off at the dry cleaners for me, saying that I'd give them the money for it when I got home. I asked my mum last night how much it was and she said $10, no problems. So this morning I handed my dad $10 and said, 'this is for the dry cleaning' - (beep) there it was, he stalled !!? I could see his brain working trying to decipher what I had intended, him essentially second guessing my thoughts. Now when this happens, his capability of verbalising his thoughts becomes non existant. His response to me at this point was to say, 'How do you know ?' ...........'Huh, how do I know what exactly ?' . His next response was to say, 'Do you want any money back ?' ..........'Dad - what the hell are you on about ? The dry cleaning costs $10 right ?' ......'Yes, but you might be thinking it was less than that' .....'No, mum told me that it was $10, that's why I'm giving you $10'. OH NO, there it was again, the thought process stumble. I could see him processing what had just occurred, thinking about where I actually got the information from, how it came to pass. I stopped him mid stream and just said 'Dad, stop, you're going to do yourself some damage. Now mum told me the dry cleaning costs $10, I'm giving you that amount so you can pay for it today, ok ? No problems, right ?". Then there was quiet for a while. Eventually his mind correct itself and all was back to normal. I just had to laugh, with my dad, even the most basic conversations or situations can have him spinning around in his own mind for hours, LOL.