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Well it's back, the 18th addition of the FIFA World Cup will be hitting our screens from Deutschland in just on a month and it would be remiss of me to not review some of the hotshots that will take to the stage in order to do battle for THE most prized possession in sport.

Australia - The 'Brazil' of Oceania. This team is so good that it wears the same colours as Brazil perhaps in the hope that they can intimidate other teams into thinking that maybe, if they hadn't caught the newsflash, they are indeed Brazil. Even so, that Australian plan was a mighty fine idea right up until the time some dingbat, probably Pele, pulled Australia out of the hat and placed them in the group with Brazil !! Still, I think if Australia adopted Brazilian names like Ronaldhino, Ronaldo, Adriano, Zico etc, then maybe we'd be able to play up to those lofty standards. I'd love to see the Australians hit the pitch with Kewello, Viduko, Cahillo and Bresciano .

My prediction: Australia to win the 2006 World Cup

Serbia & Montenegro - The 'Brazil' of the Balkans. Do you ever notice how the 'Brazil' side of any particular region never gets anywhere ? Is it perhaps because they suck or because their flair only works for 5 mins of a game rather than the 90mins required to get through a game. I almost missed this team as I was looking for Yugoslavia to show up - and they did, although they came with two teams, the other being in group F with Australia (see Croatia). Every World Cup my dad gets this rush of anxiety and believes that Yugoslavia (Serbia) can pull off his childhood dream and with the thing. In recent memory I only remember a depressing penalty shootout against Argentina in a Quarter Final. Like so much else with this country, their football doesn't seem to work. Although, this year things are different. They have a great defence and if they can get out of the group of Death, then maybe, just maybe, they can play Australia in the final.

My prediction: Serbia & Montenegro - Runners Up

Portugal - The 'Brazil' of Western Europe. In World football there are some classic under achievers who always promise but for some reason never deliver. Personally I think the under achiver class has three distinct categories - for example you have the 'Oooh, how did you not win' under achievers (Holland). Then you have the 'You f**ked up again under achievers' (Spain) and then you have the 'Spontaneous combustion' under achievers and this is where the Portuguese stand. For all their skill and flair, the nation's two footballing highlights came in 1966 with a well earned semi-final spot and a devestating loss at home in the 2004 European Championships. Could 2006 be their year ? Probably not.. just like Serbia, 2006 will not be their for too many 'internal' reasons. Actually, just comparing both sides for the moment, if you stack up both the European 'Brazilian' teams you find that Yugoslavia has made the European Championship final twice and a World Cup Semi-Final twice, the Portuguese have one European Championship Final and a World Cup Semi-Final to their name , comparably disappointng- as I've said, readily combustible. Should make for a great
second round contest if they meet.

Prediction :The Portuguese will spontaneously combust in a Semi-Final

Croatia - The noughts and crosses team . I'm biased, they suck.

Prediction: The Croatians stay at home because they're too chicken s**t to get a whipping from the real Brazil

France - "Liberté, egalité, Jules Rimet" (don't blame me for that line, the Germans actually chose it) - FCUK will need to be in action for these guys, and when I refer to the French UK connection, I mean Thierry Henry, I mean Patrick Vierra (although he's no longer there)....and a few others. Les Blues are soft, still suffering from their '98 World Cup hangover and I think this will continue through this World Cup also. Should they win their group then they 've got a soft knockout phase in front of them, exactly what they need. Now, I've got nothing against the French, I like their style of play but they need to show up (see 2002 for what happens when they don't). Anyway, with luck, they can go a distance..maybe.

Prediction : Quarter Finalists, probably getting knocked out in a devestating penalty shoot out.

Germany - What the FCUK has happened to these guys ? Robotic, mechanic, reliable, defensive, good strike power...this year they have none of that. 1990 hero Jurgen Klinsmann has the reigns and I'm sure all he's doing is telling his boys about he hung out with Franz in 1990 and they kicked it together in Rome for a while. Hey, when you play at home you've got to make sure you actually do something worth writing....home about.

Prediction: Crappy second round victory by a single penalty provided by a paid off ref and then slaughter by the Oranje in a revenge attack for a 2-0 knockout in Italy 1990. The Quarter Finals will be an over achievment for these losers....and to think, Germany and I were once so close ...*sigh*

Netherlands - I love watching the '78 final, particularly the last 10 seconds before extra time. Argentina out on their feet, Rensenbrink gets the ball, bang...his shot thuds against the post - whistle blows - extra time (Argentina go on to win). It's the stuff of nightmares, the greatest prize gets swipped by a post !! How many people in Holland did not turn up to work over the next few days ! So, where do they stand this time around ?Well, they've got an open draw and without all my crappy predictions I've made earlier I think that the Oranje can actually win the whole thing ! Still, I'd like to see them miss a penalty to lose the final !

Prediction: These guys will really win the World Cup !

Italy - LOL, what a bunch of prima donna's. The only team I dislike more than Italy are Croatia. They whinge, they're really soft, they gesticulate wildy when someone taps them on the shoulder but in defence they're so close that they try to get into your pants. I'd love them to come second in their group just so Brazil can kick their tail in the second round. Frankly, the World Cup would be better off if these guys didn't show.

Prediction: They'll complain from the first whistle and hopefully they'll go out early enough to stop me from getting too irritated - 2nd round bandits, they can watch the rest of the World Cup on TV

Argentina - In the most recent game these guys played, Croatia beat them 3-2....and you know what I think of Croatia !! Well, Argentina, I won't be crying for you. I mean the wonder years of '78 and '86 are long gone and so too is your class.

Prediction: Three games and your outta there - Group failures, first round exit.

Brazil - What I'd like to do is get the Brazilians believing that they're wearing a slightly altered jersey and BAM, Australia become World Cup hero's. Superlatives aside, I think Ronaldo looks retarded in most photo's.

It's a European World Cup though, no winner in this team....not again....please !

Prediction: Someone to do a hit and run, taking these guys out - please see World Cup '82 (thankyou Italy), World Cup '86 (thankyou France), World Cup 90 (thankyou Argentina). Im tipping Quarter Final suffering.

Togo - Small country, small dreams, small budget, no arrival

Prediction: Travelling overland to the World Cup is tough, cutting through the Sahara is even tougher. If you make it to Morocco give us a call and we'll give you directions.

Costa Rica - This team is known for their ....????? ...and also their ????

Prediction : Wild scenes of jubilation when the Costa Ricans board their flight for Germany

Angola - Isn't Luanda just a cool name for a capital city ? I think it is ! Also, Black & Red give you the feel of an aggressive and somehow maddened football team. Eusebio has gone on record recently saying that Portugal should be mighty wary of the Angolans in their first group game. I think someone is still trying to get over a 3-2 defeat to the USA in '02 (man that sucked). Still, Angola for all their spirit and all their intimidation of Cabinda will be departing Germany on the 22nd of June.

Prediction: Karate chops to the head, knees to the groin - pain will ensue to any team that plays these West African wild boys

Trinidad & Tobago - Sydney superstar Dwight York will guide these Carribbean wonders to the locker rooms. From their it'll be Cool Runnings.

Prediction: There for a good time but not a long time

USA - I stand corrected, there is a team that I hate as much as Croatia. The self professed rulers of God are the biggest wankers in the Universe.

Prediction: They're asked to take off their helmets before the opening game

Japan - Same group as Australia and frankly I'm hoping that they're going to suck. Obviously trying to become the 'Brazil' of Asia by adopting Zico as their coach. As I've stated earlier, any 'Brazilian' teams seem to die a poor and ugly death. Still, I hope they put 10 goals by Croatia.

Prediction - They'll be home with the Rising Sun